What a difference a year makes

I am posting this in honor of it being one year since I wrote it. I was not blogging at the time and, in fact, was not really writing much of anything until I wrote this "journal entry" as you might call it.

I am amazed as I look back at it as Jesus has brought me so far since this day last year. It was somewhat of a rock-bottom point for me, but also a turning point. I found that it wasn't about the job at all. He has brought me from this sense of purposelessness to an ever deepening relationship with Him that I just can't even describe.

I'm being really transparent here. I have edited a little for length, but most of the content is here.

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July 19, 2007

Do you ever not like your job? I don’t just mean thinking, “Oh, I don’t want to go to work today.” I mean, do you really not like your job? You don’t feel like you’re using all your talents properly. Your job just doesn’t ignite that spark in you. And you end up really not liking your job. Do you ever feel that way?

So do I. It’s normal, right? That’s why it’s called work – not fun. The only catch is that I’m a stay-at-home-mom. And, when I think I don’t like my job, then I’m faced with the question, “Do I not love my children?” Then I’m faced with the “Bad Mom” syndrome which leads to further not liking my job and it is a slippery slope downward from there

That’s where I am right now… sliding uncontrollably down that slippery slope. I don’t know what it is right now, but I just can’t seem to put on the brakes. I don’t want to do things around the house, and then I hate myself for not doing them. I just want to be away from my kids, and then I feel like the worst mother in the entire world because they are getting on my nerves. Oh, I can do okay for a week or so. I’ll work really hard at it. I won’t yell or say anything sarcastic to my kids. I’ll have unnatural amounts of patience with them. I’ll even clean the house. But then, it’s almost like I use it all up and I’m spent. I lose my patience easily. I say sarcastic things. I yell. I get angry. I am a “Bad Mom.”

So, I dropped Sarah off at Fine Arts Camp this morning and brought Nathan back home and sent him to the play room while I just lay on my bed and cried. I don’t like where I am right now.
See, I’ve been looking for a job for quite a while now. Not really hitting the pavement hard looking for a job, but I went on 3 interviews this spring and nothing worked out. I was turned down on 2 of them and the other was not a good fit for our family. I’ve never had a difficult time finding a job. Getting the job at Sanwa was a breeze… NationsBank couldn’t hire me fast enough… I was pretty well a shoe-in at the church. So why is it so difficult now?

First, let me just say that part of the reason I’ve been looking for a job is that we really need to get a handle on our financial situation… it’s out of hand. We made some bad decisions and we’ve built up some debt. So the extra income that I could contribute would help out a lot. However, I believe that God has revealed to me recently that my getting a job would be a quick and dirty fix. It would be too easy. So I do believe that He is trying to teach us something here where our money management is concerned.

However, I find myself questioning some things. Why have I been getting a taste of working over these last couple of months? Why have I been put in a situation that I encountered that “spark” that comes from a really good job fit?

I have been put in situations recently where I feel like I’ve gotten a fresh taste of what that spark is like and then I get back to the reality of what my life is and I don’t like it. It seems like I can almost feel my IQ decreasing as all I hear all day long is talk of big trucks, tractors, and Barbies. I know my numbers 1-10 and my colors incredibly well by now… but get much beyond that and you’re out of my league. I get worried that before too long, I’m not going to be able to have a decently intelligent conversation. I find myself thinking, “This is not where I’m gifted. These are not my talents. This is just not good enough for me.” When there is no single more important thing I will do in my life than raise my children, I think, “This is not good enough for me.” I am a “Bad Mom,” right?

So here is where it really gets complicated. As of this morning, as I’m spent and lying on my bed crying and thinking about all this, I find myself in a bit of a “Bad Christian” syndrome. Why? I should be content, right? I should be content in all circumstances like Paul (Phil 4:11). But I’m not. And I’m not content with feeling like this.

The weird thing is that I was completely content to stay at home earlier this year. I have been able to do things with the kids’ classes at school, go on field trips, substitute when needed, have lunch with a friend, and be actively involved in ministry at our local church. I was very caught by surprise at this feeling that I had that God was preparing me for a job outside of my home. But now that I’ve been reminded of how fulfilling it is to be in a job that fits my talents and giftedness, I’m not so content any more.

So how do I do it? How do I find contentment, when it seems to be nowhere in sight? Is this discontentment something that the Lord could use to push me to look harder for a job? Should I have to look that hard?

Lord, help me find contentment. Give me the supernatural amount of patience that I need with Sarah and Nathan. And Lord, if I need to be doing things to look harder for a job, please just be abundantly clear about that. I have always felt like you would bring something my way that was just perfect… but show me how to put myself out there. Show me, Lord. Just show me that you can do it.