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Thursday, October 11, 2007

Will I Go Back There?

As I’ve been dressing for work these last two weeks, I have found that, to my GREAT surprise, many of my clothes don’t fit very well… and in a good way.

I have lost about 25 pounds over the last year and a half. This number boggles even my mind, but it is real. I know it is real because my doctor and I just discussed it today as I went for that wonderful annual exam that all we women must deal with. But I digress.

That 25 pounds translates into about 1 ½ - 2 sizes in pants for me. I went through my closet the week before I started work and cleared out about 6 pair of pants that were falling off of me. I look at myself in these clothes and think, “Was I really that fat?” The answer is a resounding, “Yes. You were.” In fact, I was able to fit back into two pair of my favorite pre-Nathan pants. Now, friend that is what I call exciting.

However, this week I went to put on this one pair of olive green silk cropped / Capri pants that I just absolutely adore. I couldn’t wear them. They were just too big in the waist. I tried everything. I pulled the waistband over and tried to pin it even. Hey, it’s worked before. But not this time. I couldn’t cinch the waist up enough and have them still look decent. But I also can’t bring myself to get rid of them. I have a hard time with thinking that I could balloon right back out again.

It’s true. Yes, I could stop exercising all together. I could begin drinking all manner of sugar loaded soft drinks again. I could start eating huge portions at meals. I could snack on chips and salsa or “Milk’s favorite cookie” (Oreos). I could easily do it. And I have a hard time thinking that I won’t. But I need to think that I won’t. I need to believe I won’t. I need to live like I believe that I won’t.

Not unlike my spiritual life right now. The Lord has enabled me recently to take my walk with Him to another level. I have discovered a level of a love for Him and His precious Word that I have never experienced before. It’s like all my old spiritual clothes don’t fit anymore… they’re too small.

And just the same, I look at myself and, although I have no desire to go back to the mediocre life I was living, I have a hard time with thinking that I will slip back into my old habits. I can see myself thinking that I need just a few more minutes of sleep and I’ll read my Bible later (and then I never do). I can see myself just drifting along through my days and through life, not looking for God’s work at every turn. And just like with my diet and exercise, I need to not only believe that I won’t, but I need to live like I believe that I won’t go back there… ever again. Because I don’t want to.

Holy Spirit, empower me to believe and live like I will never go back to that old life I was living. I want to continually know you more, Lord Jesus. I want to love you more, Father God. I want to me filled up to overflowing with you, Holy Spirit. I want more of You. I want this song to describe my desire for You.